Malik Has Had 100 Enough Of This Shit
by kittycat9240
Summary: Altair is being completely ridiculous; following Malik everywhere and making a scene over some extremely shallow water. When Malik finds Altair sitting on top of a fountain, he has just had enough of this crap.


Malik was out, supposed to be buying things to spruce up his Bureau.

I say "supposed" because he was being heavily distracted by a certain Novice.

He clenched his teeth as he still spotted Altair's white cloak swaying on the rooftops. He was _obviously_ following him. The idiotic Novice probably thought he was being discreet, though he stood out more than a pink horse on the roof.

He had had about enough of this. Altair had been playing his little game for _hours_ now. It was extremely childish and irritating.

And besides, he was not in Jerusalem without reason. Al Mualim had sent him on an assignment. Why exactly was he toying with Malik instead of completing it?

Malik turned into a deserted alley. The click of boots on the roof tiles above confirmed that Altair was following him.

'Altair, get down here!'

No response.

'I know you're up there! Get your sorry ass down here!'

Still no reply.

' _Altair!_ If you don't get down here right now I am going to personally throw you into the lake!'

That got him. Altair reluctantly climbed down from the roof. He knew that Malik took his threats seriously, and Altair was both terrified of water and incapable of swimming. He remembered the _last_ time Malik had shoved him into the ocean. It had ended with Altair sobbing with terror on Malik's shoulder. Altair was still humiliated by the memory.

'How did you know I was there?' Altair asked.

'Really? The whole _city_ knew you were there.'

For a moment, Altair looked crestfallen and hurt, just like the novice he was. He quickly regained his spirit, however, his golden eyes meeting Malik's brown ones.

'Why the hell were you following me?' Malik demanded.

'To...um...' Altair faltered. He did not want to admit that he had simply been doing it for fun. 'I had to, er, do some...'

'Do some what?' Malik pressed.

'Uh...'

'You were following me for the hell of it?'

Altair nodded, very slightly and slowly.

For some strange reason, Malik became enraged at this, throwing himself at Altair. The younger Assassin dodged and fled.

'I will kill you Altair Ibn-La'Ahad!'

People stopped and stared at the wild chase, Altair turning to try and reason with Malik every so often. 'Come on, I meant no harm...'

Malik completely ignored Altair's pleads. Eventually, he was cornered at the one place that he _never_ wished to go to _ever_ again: the docks.

Malik grinned ferociously as he advanced on the helplessly trapped Altair. He knew what was coming. Just looking at the black water from a distance made him tremble. 'Malik, _please_ don't push me in there,' he begged, practically sinking to his knees. 'You _know_ I can't swim.'

Malik would have liked him to own up to being absolutely petrified of water. But Altair was still too proud for that. He was even reluctant to admitting to being unable to swim.

When Malik got close enough, he grabbed Altair's hood and shoved him into the water below.

Altair squealed in fright as he crashed into the water below him. Flailing his limbs uselessly, he cried out, 'Help _meeeeeeeeeeeeee!_ '

Malik had to bite his lip hard to stop himself from erupting into laughter. Altair was in the shallowest possible end of the water. Even lying down, his head was above water. It was physically impossible to drown there. The sight of Altair in it, flailing around wildly and screeching like a cat in labor, brought tears of laughter that he tried to stifle to his eyes.

'Altair, stop exaggerating,' he said eventually. 'Your head hasn't gone under once.'

Altair ignored him and continued wailing loudly, and many people looked at him, disturbed and amused. It was quite a sight; a grown man shrieking in shallow water like a spoilt child not getting its way.

It was not the fact that Altair was drowning that made him this way; it was simply because he was so terrified of water. In fact, probably the only time that Altair _wasn't_ scared of water was when he was drinking it.

Even when he saw a young woman holding a jar of water above her head, he stood frozen to the spot in fear, eyeing the jar nervously. Usually he would start yelling just as he was now. This was certainly not the first time that Altair had made a huge scene in public over mere water.

'Altair, get out,' Malik growled impatiently. 'It's not even that deep.'

'I'm drowning!' Altair wailed fearfully.

'No you're _not!_ Get a _grip!_ The entire upper half of you isn't submerged!'

Altair, blinded by fear, would not listen to reason. Malik sighed in irritation, aware of a growing crowd watching the terrified Altair flailing about uselessly. Malik marched over and dragged Altair out of the water. The Assassin held onto him for dear life.

Altair shivered, though Malik was not sure whether from the cold or the "fear". Promptly, he began scolding Altair in front of everyone.

'This has got to _stop!_ This fear of water of yours is beyond ridiculous!'

Altair blushed bright red, aware of the surrounding crowd. 'I'm not scared,' he murmured.

'Altair, you damn well _are!_ Who else sits in the shallowest pool of water screeching like a walrus? You are the one who is terrified of _water,_ Altair!'

Altair blushed deeper. 'Shut up, Malik.'

'Oh, I've only just gotten _started!'_ Malik chorused. 'There was the time that you fled from Masyaf for _three weeks_ just because of a woman carrying a jug of water!'

Altair punched Malik's arm roughly. 'Shut _up!_ '

'Anyway, why aren't you doing your assignment?'

'I'm taking the day off.'

Malik practically exploded. 'You can't just take the day off! I knew you were arrogant, Altair, but I-'

Altair shoved him to the ground quickly, cutting him off. He knelt before Malik and hissed, 'Third tenet of the Creed: Do not compromise the Brotherhood!'

He then promptly fled.

After another hour, Malik was done shopping and ready to go home, when he overheard a conversation being held by two guard.

'Have you heard? Apparently there's a man on the fountain. Looks too scared to come down.'

'They say he only looks at the water. White robes, they say. Idiot.'

Malik sighed deeply. Judging by that description, there was only one person who was on the fountain.

Entering the town square, Malik squinted at the fountain. Sure enough, Altair was perched up there, shivering and looking terrified, eyeing the fountain's water beneath him.

Malik barged through the murmuring crowds until he got to Altair. 'Really, Altair!' he yelled. 'This is the _second time_ I've caught you being ridiculous with water in the last _two hours!_ '

Altair glared at him. But deep in his eyes, Malik could sense relief.

'How did you even get up there?'

No response.

'Just come down!'

A long silence followed, when Altair finally muttered quietly, 'I can't.'

He had intended only Malik to hear it, but judging by the ripple of amusement rushing through the crowd, they had heard it crystal clear.

'How the hell did you get up there? Why did you climb a fountain knowing you wouldn't be able to jump down, just because you're scared of some damn water?'

'I am _not scared!_ ' Altair retorted fiercely.

'If you're not scared, then get down!'

Altair faltered, shuddering, before studying the water beneath him. Again, terror gripped him and he grasped the fountain where he perched shakily.

'Get down _now!_ Or do I have to pull you down!'

Altair didn't reply.

Malik was getting _extremely_ pissed off now. 'Would you rather get down yourself or have the guards bring you down, Altair?'

Altair scowled. 'I'd rather break your face.'

'Then come down and do it!'

As a response, Altair reached into his belt and hurled something at Malik. To his wide-eyed surprise, it was a throwing knife. The crowd looked extremely startled.

'What the hell, Altair! Did you just throw a goddamn _knife_ at me?'

Altair looked like a deer caught in headlights. All he said was, 'Give me my knife back.'

'Come down and I'll consider it. Seriously, you need to stop being afraid of water.'

This time, Altair didn't deny being afraid. He looked terrified.

Just then, three guards barged through the crowd. 'Get down _now!'_ one barked at Altair.

The Assassin's response was a feral glare.

'Down or die!' the other guard repeated.

Again, Altair's response was a scowl.

Suddenly, two of the guards grabbed Altair's feet and pulled roughly. Altair shrieked like a diving eagle and clung to the fountain for dear life, trying to kick the guards holding him.  
It was such a pathetic sight. Malik aided the guards, climbing onto the fountain and forcing Altair's fingers off the frame.

'Malik..!' Altair yelped, grabbing the fountain again for a firmer grip. 'What the hell!'

'I'm sorry, _brother,_ it has to be done.'

Altair screamed. He flailed wildly with his legs, trying desperately to not let go of the fountain, but Malik gave him no choice, and he crashed to the ground, his entire upper half, including his head, ending up in the fountain.

Altair jerked violently upwards, water dripping from his robes. He shivered before turning to face the guards.

'You are under arrest,' one said, grabbing Altair's hands.

'Why?!' Altair yelped.

'For sitting on a fountain.'

'That's not illegal!'

'It is now.'

Altair struggled desperately, like a captured deer, but the guards' grips were too strong.

Malik sighed. Altair deserved his punishment, but he could not simply watch the arrest of a brother coldly. He kicked both guards down before killing each with his hidden blade.

'Get out of here!' Malik yelled. 'Just make sure I don't have to save your sorry ass again. And don't sit on top of any more fountains!'

Altair nodded and scampered away.

Malik sighed, cleaning the blood from his blade, which he always kept on him for emergencies. _Stupid novice._


End file.
